I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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