On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Boobs are out for the taking
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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