Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
