omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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