Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
