If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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