If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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