i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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