I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
