At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
