I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
