I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
me + whiskey = a bad person
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
