Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
