I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
