I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
