you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
