A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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