I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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