Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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