Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
