Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Everything about him screamed your future.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Randomize
