I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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