i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
