My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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