I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
