Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
