I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
