i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
