I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
