My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
