first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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