Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
