I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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