I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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