if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
