I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
