Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
