Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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