Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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