The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
