Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
