She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
