Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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