My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
