So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize