Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
