This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
