Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
