he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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