Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize