please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
