i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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