Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
