shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
