Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
