The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
