I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
