I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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